Title: Kiss me Goodbye
Warnings: Sex, MxM, oral, anal, fingering, character death, suicide, angst, WAFF
In the close t
Summary: Ruki hates this time of year, it brings too many painful memories and this year, he will break free.
Beta: none, because I had to get this in ASAP
Word Count: 3367
Comments: For roseofpain_nc17, whispering_beat, and jrocknc17 - all Christmas challenges and contests. Also for 15memories prompt: Last Goodbye. Italics are flashbacks. Gomen for it being so depressing! Hope you enjoy it though! Comments = ♥!
Ruki scowled at the snow on the ground. He hated this time of the year. It wasn't even the snow that plagued him so much, but the fact that the holidays were this time. Holidays brought up terrible things in Ruki's mind. He hated the way his mind worked that time of year. It brought forth memories that he'd rather forget. Christmas was a time Ruki preferred to forget, but couldn't due to the streaming lights and sounds of Christmas songs and bells. But Reita loved this time, so he would try and put on a happy face for the man he loved so dearly.
Reita was standing beside him now, waiting for Uruha to catch up with them so they could go drinking together. Ruki didn't really care. Sure he didn't feel like being social, even if it meant being around his own band-mate, but the alcohol would help him to forget. Ruki huddled in his coat, it was freezing outside and Uruha was taking forever.
"Ruki? Are you alright? You didn't say anything today, even during practice...you okay?" Reita was so cute when he was concerned. Ruki smiled a bittersweet smile and nodded.
"Just...tired I guess..." He struggled to make his voice a little less depressing, but it failed. Reita opened his mouth to say something more, but just then Uruha walked over to them, shaking the snow out of his hair. Ruki broke eye contact with Reita, hoping his eyes didn't give anything away, but from the look on the bassist's face, they did.
The bar wasn't very far from where they had been rehearsing, so they made the icy trek bundled in coats and scarves. Ruki tried to keep his mind active on positive things so he wouldn't keep thinking of him, that angel he fell in love with so many years ago, the angel who destroyed himself. Ruki had found him on the bed, blood pooled around his lifeless form. The memory brought tears to his eyes and he shook his head, trying to forget again. He loved Reita...how could he not, he was everything Ruki needed, everything he wanted.
Reita looked at the small man walking quickly ahead of him. He could see some unnamed pain in the way he acted and talked. But Ruki refused to talk about it.
Ruki was curled up on the couch in a ball, his head in his hands. Reita had just come home from doing some shopping and it appeared Ruki hadn't even heard him enter the apartment. Reita watched him, unsure of what to do for him. It tore his heart out watching him lay there like that.
"Ruki?" He stepped closer the fetal form. Only then did Ruki look up. He stared at Reita with a blank expression on his face, almost like he was looking right through the other man. Reita could see from his eyes that he had been crying. He stepped closer to him, wanting to comfort him, but not sure what was wrong. "Baby...what's wrong?" he sat down gingerly next to him.
Ruki opened his mouth, but closed it again, opting to shake his head. "I don't wanna talk about it." He looked like he might cry again. Reita wrapped his arms around him then, pulling him close and comforting him. Ruki started sobbing on his shoulder, mumbling things about Christmas and blood. Reita couldn't string together the sentences though, so he just sat there holding the smaller man until he fell asleep. Reita wanted to know what was wrong, but it pained Ruki too much to talk about. He tried to talk the next morning too, but Ruki avoided his prodding.
Many drinks later, Ruki could partially forget what happened that Christmas morning. Uruha was hitting on the bartender, too drunk to care if it was a man or woman, or even if it was decent-looking. Reita hadn't drank much, but he kept looking at Ruki, a mixture of concern and love for the small man. Ruki failed to notice though. He was absorbed in himself and pushing away his thoughts that kept creeping up on him like chains and grasping at his mind until he couldn't breathe.
"Baby..." Reita silently pleaded with his lover to talk to him. Ruki looked at Reita. He smiled and took the other's hand. He looked down at the care-worn knuckles and rubbed them with his thumb. He stroked the calloused fingertips and put them to his mouth to kiss them. Reita tilted his head and watched his beautiful lover as tears welled up in those dark eyes. Reita pulled him close again, not caring who watched them, only wanting Ruki to be happy, but Ruki pulled away from his lover.
"Let's go home, Rei," Ruki had a suggestive glint in his eye. Reita looked confused for a moment, but then Ruki's hand slid up his thigh and Reita realized he didn't really care if this was just Ruki's way of changing the subject, because maybe then Ruki could forget whatever he needed to let go of. Reita glanced at Uruha, now caught in a vulgar tongue-tangle with the bartender. The bassist shook his head at his promiscuity, but didn't give it much thought. Uruha was usually careful enough to have a condom, even hen he was drunk, at least that's what Uruha always told Reita when he told him about his worries. So Reita nodded at Ruki and they left the bar. When they got outside, the wind had picked up and it had started snowing. Ruki pulled his coat tighter around him as he rushed to the car. Reita fumbled with the keys as he was slightly tipsy and the cold made his fingers stiff. Finally though he managed to unlock the doors and start the car, cranking the heat up. Ruki lay his head on the glass.
"Rei, baby, how many days until Christmas?" he wondered with childlike uncertainty. Reita thought a moment about what day it was before resorting to checking his cell phone. The alcohol had muddled his brain.
"Actually it's tomorrow," he shrugged slightly before returning his attention to the road. Ruki nodded. His breath caught in his throat suddenly and he had a strong feeling like he was about to throw up. He was grateful when they finally got to their apartment. Ruki quickly exited the car and took a deep breath. The only thing his mind would focus on was his memory of the red angel on the bed. The razor blade settled between his fingers, and the look on his face pure bliss. It was the face that Ruki couldn't bare to think of. His angel would rather return to heaven than to be with Ruki. But the small man didn't want his angel to be in heaven, he wanted to feel his silky hair between his fingers and to tell him, just one more time, how much he loved him. How he would always love him, even if he didn't want Ruki anymore. His self-destruction said that.
Ruki's thoughts were interrupted yet again as Reita put a hand on his lower back. Ruki had stopped at the entrance to their apartment building. He looked up at Reita. He did love Reita...how could he not? Reita was a very caring person when he had someone special. He would protect Ruki with his life and Ruki knew that, loved him even more for that. And Ruki knew he was only worrying Reita more and more with not saying anything as to why he was acting this way. He'd gotten away with it for so many years because at Christmas-time he would just kind of hide out and wait for it to be over. But this year it was stronger than ever before. The feeling that he couldn't go on like this anymore. He loved Reita so much and didn't want him to go through the same pain he had gone through years ago, was still going through, but he couldn't see a better way. His angel had left him on Christmas morning. That's when Ruki planned to return to his angel. One day...only so many hours with his beautiful, living lover. That thought made him want to cry all over again. He didn't want to part so soon.
Ruki took Reita's hand and pulled him up the stairs quickly, not wanting to waste any time. Reita followed, puzzled and having no idea why Ruki was acting this way. But he knew even if he asked, Ruki would refuse to talk about it. When they reached the door to the apartment, Ruki urged Reita to hurry up, saying that it would be too late. Reita gave him a confused look, but hurried anyway. As soon as they stepped inside, Ruki slammed Reita against the wall and kissed him harshly on the mouth. Reita pushed the door shut while being mauled by Ruki's mouth.
Reita bit at Ruki's lip, demanding he relent to the kiss. Ruki did so obligingly, but fought for dominance in the kiss. Reita was the so-called "man" in their relationship, as he refused to be treated like a girl or taken care of. But Ruki didn't mind, he liked having Reita be his protector. It made him feel safe. The small vocalist thought about their positions in the relationships as he gave in to Reita, like he always did. Ruki pressed his crotch against Reita's, making them both moan into each other's mouths. Reita grabbed Ruki's ass and pressed their hardening erections together. Ruki groaned and started rolling his hips against the taller man's. Reita was the one to break the kiss. He threw his head back against the wall, too aroused to feel pain. His breathing was labored and came out in short gasps.
He grasped Ruki's shirt and pulled is upward, Ruki lifted his arms to help get the blasted garment out of the way. When it was off, Reita tossed the shirt somewhere in the room and kissed Ruki again, a demanding and pleading kiss. Ruki pulled Reita's shirt off quickly, rubbing his hands over the smooth skin that was made available to him. Reita fisted his hand in Ruki's hair, deepening the kiss. Soon after they had to stop for lack of air and Ruki got on his knees and started unbuttoning Reita's pants. Reita watched his precious lover with interest.
When he had undone Reita's belt and removed his pants, he started pulling down his underwear. He could see Reita was already leaking and it made his cock twitch looking at it. He pressed his lips to the tip, a soft kiss. He licked the dripping pre-cum off, making Reita tighten his hold on the vocalist's hair. Ruki dug his fingers into the bassist's narrow hips, restraining him from bucking into his mouth. Slowly Ruki took more of Reita's length into his mouth, pressing his tongue against the extremely sensitive spots. Ruki felt Reita's erection pressing against the back of his throat and he swallowed, making the taller man moan like a whore. Ruki knew everything Reita wanted, and he loved having so much control over him. He pulled back though before Reita had gone too far and ran his tongue up the vein on the underside of his penis. Ruki could see that Reita was quivering, his arousal at it's peak and wanting nothing more than to come. Ruki smiled at the desire and lust written on his beautiful one's face. Ruki's bulge was pressing painfully against his jeans now, but he was also having too much fun teasing Reita. He knew, however, that it couldn't go on too much longer.
He took Reita's hand and led him to their bedroom, Reita following like a lost puppy. Upon entering the room, Ruki pushed Reita onto the bed and motioned for him to stay there. Slowly, Ruki undid his belt and whipped it from his pants, tossing it toward the general direction of the door. He took his time undoing his pants and they were so tight he had to practically peel them off his thighs. On the bed, Reita watched with interest, slowly stroking himself at the erotic sight. When his pants were off and on the floor, Ruki crawled onto the bed and shimmied so he was straddling the bassist's hips. He bent over and kissed him lightly on the mouth before moving lower, kissing long his jawbone and neck. Reita whispered things about loving Ruki, but they were nearly incomprehensible. He scooted down to his chest, laving it with his tongue. He moved to his nipples, making Reita moan wantonly.
"Nngh...Ruki...please..." Reita's mind was fogged with desire and he knew he sounded ridiculous, but he didn't care. Ruki smirked at him.
"Please what, Rei-chan?" He asked almost innocently. He started rubbing his neglected erection on Reita's leg, contradicting the innocence. Reita bit his lip. He hated to beg, he was too proud, but at that moment, he just wanted to come. His hard-on was painful and he wasn't sure how much longer he could take the lack of contact.
"Something...anything...please?" He hoped it would be good enough for the mischievous vocalist, and it seemed to be. Ruki crawled off of Reita and went to the nightstand, grabbing a few things before returning to the bed. he kept them hidden from Reita's sight, even though he craned his neck to see what he could have.
"Get up against the headboard, baby," Ruki commanded, his voice deep and sultry. It was the voice Reita knew not to mess with, so he did as he was told, sliding against the back of the headboard. The vocalist shimmied after him and lifted Reita's arms above his head, only then letting him see what Ruki held: handcuffs. Reita almost groaned, but remembered that he only wanted to make Ruki happy. So he allowed himself to be handcuffed to the bedpost by a smug Ruki. He pulled on them just to make sure, in vain of course. Ruki pressed a kiss to Reita's pouting lips and pulled the lube off the bed behind him. He poured some onto his fingers and lay on his back, making sure he gave Reita a view of what he was doing to himself. He dropped his fingers between his legs, hissing at the cold liquid touching hot skin. He circled a finger around his entrance and pushed two inside. He bit his lip against the pain, but it quickly faded into pleasure. Reita growled low in his throat at the scene and it made Ruki work that much harder on prepping himself. He soon stuck a third finger inside, and nearly screamed when he brushed his sweet-spot. He pulled his fingers out of himself and crawled near Reita's lap.
He took the lube again and poured some onto Reita's throbbing, length and rubbed it on with his hand. Reita bucked into Ruki's hand and moaning aloud. Then Ruki grabbed hold of Reita's cock and slowly lowered himself onto it. Reita let out a strangled moan at the tight heat surrounding him. He shook the handcuffs, wanting to touch Ruki so badly, but was restrained. Ruki slowly started moving, getting used to the intrusion. He sped up considerably, the pain melting away. Reita began to move to meet him. Ruki re-angled himself and started moving faster, Reita's length hitting his prostate dead-on. He clutched at the bedsheets on either side of Reita's body and continued moving. Reita came soon after, screaming out Ruki's name and pulling on the handcuffs again.
Ruki moved his hand onto his erection and started pumping himself. He came soon after that, his fluids splashing between his and his lover's stomachs. He slumped over onto Reita in exhaustion. He lifted himself up so Reita would slide out of him and leaned up to undo the handcuffs. Reita rubbed at his wrists, which were red and sore-looking. Ruki lifted them to his mouth to kiss them in apology. He kissed Reita again, the thoughts too painful to ignore. This was their last time to do this. It settled into his heart like a ton of bricks and he nearly started crying then and there. Ruki slid off of Reita's lap and lay down, not caring about the mess that lay on his stomach.
But Reita had no idea what was going on with Ruki, so he went to get some Kleenex to clean up with. He came back and Ruki had that blank, teary expression in his eyes. Reita silently cleaned off his lover's stomach and hand before also wiping it off his own. When he re-entered the room, Ruki was in a ball again. Reita sighed, but crawled into the bed. He put his arm around his small, tender lover, but Ruki gave no sign he noticed. Reita slowly drifted off to sleep, afraid for his lover and wishing he could help him, but having no idea how he would. Ruki lie awake most of the night, thinking how he would soon be leaving his love for another. He wished he could have them both, but they were in different worlds and Ruki had to choose.
When the Christmas morning light woke Reita, the first thing he noticed was that Ruki was still in his arms. For this he was glad, wanting to hold his lover forever if he could. So he pulled him closer. Ruki yawned and rolled over to look at Reita. He smiled, wanting to always have this moment together. Reita was so warm and his arms were so strong it felt like nothing bad could ever happen to Ruki. He wished again that he could remain with Reita, but he knew it couldn't be that way.
"Merry Christmas, baby," Ruki chimed. Reita groaned, the vocalist laughed. "Rei-chan, it's nearly 11:00...I'm hungry," he whined. The bassist groaned again and put the pillow over his head. Ruki pouted at him, even though he couldn't see it. He poked Reita's side, and the bassist finally took off the pillow.
"Mm...whad'ya want?" He cracked an eye open at Ruki, who smiled.
"I dunno...go get something...something special! It is Christmas after all," he sounded happier than he had in weeks, so Reita didn't even complain, but got out of bed and began putting on his clothes. Ruki clapped his hands together. Reita was about to leave when Ruki called him back.
"What? I thought you just wanted me to get food," he frowned at the smaller man. Ruki shrugged.
"I still do, but I want a kiss," he pouted once more. Reita shook his head but bent down and kissed Ruki on the mouth, but the vocalist didn't settle for only a little kiss. He deepened it and slipped his tongue into Reita's mouth, savoring the taste that was only his beautiful lover. When he pulled back, Reita had a dazed expression.
"Keep that up and I don't think I'll be able to go anywhere," he smirked and turned to leave.
Ruki wrinkled his nose up. "I love you, baby," he called after him and heard him say the same before the door closed. Ruki sighed. He knew this was his only chance. He started crying and couldn't even stop himself. He loved Reita with all of his heart...but his heart had left with his angel. He got up from the bed and turned on his CD player. Buck-Tick's "Kiss me Goodbye" filled the room and Ruki would have laughed at the irony if he wasn't crying so badly. He went into the bathroom and grabbed the razor from the medicine cabinet, and went back to the bedroom. He lie down on the bad and thought about his life and how much happiness there was, how much there could have been. It made the tears rejuvenate themselves. But his angel was gone now, and that had been the happiest moment in his life...until his angel went away. But he smiled then, because finally he would be re-united with him. He drug the razor across his wrists and watched the blood flow. He lay there and slowly his eyes closed and he knew that life and everything, as well as everyone, that he loved were part of his life no longer, because now there was no life to live.
Kiss me goodbye